00. intro

Mar. 3rd, 2033 03:33 am
balcony: (hedgehog)
job.travel professional
philosophy.learn from everything and savor beauty
worst.temper. moody. procrastinates. solitary.
best.passionate. open minded. creative. confident.

music.muse. ayumi hamasaki. nine inch nails. fitz and the tantrums. deadmau5. perfume. coldplay. u2. pearl jam. gorillaz. brown eyed girls. paul simon. kanye west. lady gaga. phoenix. mumford and sons. fleet foxes. vampire weekend. mgmt. akb48. snsd.
tv.(i don't currently own a tv so i'm behind on every show I love) it's always sunny in philadelphia. my little pony: friendship is magic. doctor who. star trek. psych. neon genesis evangelion.
books.his dark materials by phillip pullman. fear and loathing in las vegas by hunter s thompson. battle royale by koushun takami. piercing by ryu murakami. out by natsuo kirino. harry potter by jk rowling. lolita by vladimir nabokov. the brothers karamozov by fyodor dostoevsky.
movies.kill bill. fight club. zodiac. magnolia. melancholia. se7en. reservoir dogs. the road. inglourious basterds. fur. casino royale.


balcony: (amazing)
Jordan and I had a wine and cheese session last night after a particularly brutal night at work. We did this because we needed it, but also to toast each other for today. We both have our interviews with Robert today. We're going for the same promotion. That's odd and it's something we haven't really addressed at length. Technically I'm going for two different positions, and in an ideal world I'd move into Jordan's position as night shift Team Lead and he'd take the Supervisor position. But I also really want the Supervisor position. Because let's be honest, it's a Supervisor position and I've been in flights longer than ANYONE ELSE who's interviewing for either of these positions. I know Robert likes me to some extent.

I'm just very nervous, but I'm super glad the interviews are finally happening. We found out about these positions at the beginning of December! So yeah, this is, as they say, a long time comin'.

Wish me luck, I'll just be over here throwing up.
balcony: (home)
Early morning on the 5th of January, 2008, my dad came into my room while I was sleeping. I'd been sleeping very lightly, as had been the norm in that house for some time. Just in case. I woke right up, of course. I was prepared for an emergency, ready to get up and go right into action. The night before, I had to remember, had been particularly horrifying in that regard.

Instead I watched his gait and knew the heaviness of it without needing the words. I took a deep breath as he came right over to my bed and sat on the edge next to me, still in darkness.

more )
balcony: (Default)
Stolen from a few places - I don't know these people, though, I just found it while browsing the "meme" tag on DW's Latest Things.

declaration )
balcony: (brace yourself)
Rough night at work. To say nothing of the fact that Jordan, Richard, Alexis and I went through four bottles of champagne last night, I felt pretty okay until I actually left for work. I thought eating would make me feel better since I hadn't eaten at all, but instead I simply got... sick. Weak, nauseous, anemic feeling to be quite honest. The feeling lasted all day, between vomiting up anything I attempted to eat and swimming in my own headspace.

I don't like feeling this way, and not just because no one really likes to feel sick. I feel useless at work, and listless otherwise. I don't want to get stuff done and when I do, I simply can't make my body cooperate.

Wes is still holding a steel grip on figuring out SPRK and Farelogix systems, meanwhile I have to leave all of that to him. Meanwhile both of us are in the running (hopefully) for mid-shift Team Lead. Not at all secretly, I hope Jordan gets Flights Supervisor and Wes gets midshift TL, freeing me up to take over night shift TL from Jordan. I'd miss Jordan, granted, but I really don't want Jaime taking on Supervisor duties and I don't want to move to day shift if that's the only other TL position available. On the other hand, though, everyone knows Wes is sort of a douchebag. So Robert probably won't hire him as a Team Lead. There's still the wild card possibility that I might get Supervisor. Who knows anymore. I'm just sick of feeling so inferior to Wes just because he goes cowboy on every issue.

So, going to try and get some sleep tonight - some quality sleep - and start again in the morning.

Maybe my Christmas things will come from dad (c/o Wendy), Zoe, and my ontd_muse Secret Santa :3

Thinking about Zoe a lot right now. She's in a position right now that I know all too well. I wanna be a mama bear to these girls in Muse fandom, seriously. I don't have kids of my own and it's really not something I want anytime soon, but I do like the practice of imparting wisdom and strength to a younger generation. I just want Zoe to be okay, but there's also the knowledge in my heart that she not only will be, she already is. That's the thing about depression and suicidal tendencies. It's too often a product of experiencing too much too quickly and not knowing how to process it. You've already got the forward momentum, it's all about having people to keep you going. I want to keep her going but I want to help teach her personal strength more than anything else.

And then I feel like a tit for thinking I'm that important. I don't want to believe that about myself because of situations past, and my tendency to just disappear from friendships when they turn sour. Ugh. I'm a horrible friend.

For now, though... sleep. ♥

01. hello

Dec. 28th, 2011 02:51 pm
balcony: (Default)
This journal is part of a resolution to journal for myself again, and to be motivated with editing my writing or starting up and continuing new projects. I really want to find a healthy place for my brain to write in, a place I can be proud of without a need for approval. Something self-motivating, which is very difficult. This journal may be the record of a lot of self-doubt and creative depression, but occasionally I really hope to just be my positive self (because really, I am a positive person!).

I don't really like intro posts because I feel like I come off sounding pretentious every single time I write one, unless I'm just going all out and not giving a damn. I sort of want to be more reserved and calm on this journal. I want to really think things out, not necessarily get people to like me.

All of that probably doesn't make you want to get to know me, but I can assure you I do love people to talk to. I just have a hard time keeping up with people on levels that strike me as disingenuous. Fandom has hurt me before. I can feel fandom starting to pull me into self-destructive behaviors again, so I just need a fresh start for the good of my writing.

Here we go! ♥

January 2012

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