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Rough night at work. To say nothing of the fact that Jordan, Richard, Alexis and I went through four bottles of champagne last night, I felt pretty okay until I actually left for work. I thought eating would make me feel better since I hadn't eaten at all, but instead I simply got... sick. Weak, nauseous, anemic feeling to be quite honest. The feeling lasted all day, between vomiting up anything I attempted to eat and swimming in my own headspace.

I don't like feeling this way, and not just because no one really likes to feel sick. I feel useless at work, and listless otherwise. I don't want to get stuff done and when I do, I simply can't make my body cooperate.

Wes is still holding a steel grip on figuring out SPRK and Farelogix systems, meanwhile I have to leave all of that to him. Meanwhile both of us are in the running (hopefully) for mid-shift Team Lead. Not at all secretly, I hope Jordan gets Flights Supervisor and Wes gets midshift TL, freeing me up to take over night shift TL from Jordan. I'd miss Jordan, granted, but I really don't want Jaime taking on Supervisor duties and I don't want to move to day shift if that's the only other TL position available. On the other hand, though, everyone knows Wes is sort of a douchebag. So Robert probably won't hire him as a Team Lead. There's still the wild card possibility that I might get Supervisor. Who knows anymore. I'm just sick of feeling so inferior to Wes just because he goes cowboy on every issue.

So, going to try and get some sleep tonight - some quality sleep - and start again in the morning.

Maybe my Christmas things will come from dad (c/o Wendy), Zoe, and my ontd_muse Secret Santa :3

Thinking about Zoe a lot right now. She's in a position right now that I know all too well. I wanna be a mama bear to these girls in Muse fandom, seriously. I don't have kids of my own and it's really not something I want anytime soon, but I do like the practice of imparting wisdom and strength to a younger generation. I just want Zoe to be okay, but there's also the knowledge in my heart that she not only will be, she already is. That's the thing about depression and suicidal tendencies. It's too often a product of experiencing too much too quickly and not knowing how to process it. You've already got the forward momentum, it's all about having people to keep you going. I want to keep her going but I want to help teach her personal strength more than anything else.

And then I feel like a tit for thinking I'm that important. I don't want to believe that about myself because of situations past, and my tendency to just disappear from friendships when they turn sour. Ugh. I'm a horrible friend.

For now, though... sleep. ♥

January 2012

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